Scarlett Gray is back with more thoughts plundered from the recesses of her extraordinary mind; this time her mission to create and collate a selection of limericks in tribute to the Leeds United team and management of 2012/13…
This piece was inspired by watching my treasured Twitter friend, Adam (@Ken_DeMange) reading poems to Tom Lees and I fancied a go myself. There’s a lot of rubbish in here, I know, but I hope a few make you smile? They’re all tongue in cheek and no offence is intended. I’d also recommend dipping in and reading a couple at a time rather than all at once and all I’ll say is if one person laughs at one of these, to quote Billy Davies … Job done!
Dear Neil I don’t think you’re God,
In fact, you’re a bit of a sod.
They’re playing better I know,
But in the summer you’ll go,
To be replaced by some other Odd Bod.
United’s Media Mogul is Dews,
Often the conveyor of bad news.
You knew when Leeds fell,
Cos Paul didn’t look well,
From finding solace in curry and booze.
The Starting XI
1. Paddy Kenny
There was a goalkeeper called Kenny,
Who is a bit of a benny.
He took a deep bow,
And doesn’t play now,
Cos he let in far too many!
2. Sam Byram
Young Sam at right back is no weed,
On red meat and pasta he’ll feed.
Despite the spots on his face,
The lad has wonderful pace,
To whizz past defenders at speed!
5. Lee Peltier
At left back he didn’t fit in,
The ball would bounce off his shin!
Now in the middle we see,
The best of our Lee,
Cos now he plays out of his skin!
6. Tom Lees
There was a young defender called Lees,
Who could play football with ease,
He was good with his head,
But crap in the bed*,
I’d still like his autograph please.
*NB: Scarlett’s views are not necessarily based 100% on fact and should not be regarded as so – apologies Tom!
3. Stephen Warnock
Have you heard of Stephen Warnock,
His hair looks just like a Warlock,
He wanted to play left back,
But blended in with the pack,
‘TIl he trapped his boss in a headlock!
7. Paul Green
There once was a geezer called Green,
Who was ginger, tall and lean.
But his shots with his right,
Were a terrible sight,
And now he’s nowhere to be seen.
4. Michael Brown
The was an old fellow called Brown,
Who always ran round with a frown.
It was clear to be seen,
His demeanour was mean,
And that’s why he’s always hacked down!
8. Rudi Austin
Rudi comes from Jamaica, I see,
Powered by ganja in midfield he’ll spree.
He’ll never get slagged
Even when comes home jet lagged,
For Rudi at Leeds everything’s irie.
10. Robbie Rogers
A handsome young man was Robbie Rogers,
But not one that was open to offers,
No women were lured to his den,
Instead he much preferred men,
And with his clothes line it’s them that he bothers.
9. Ross McCormack
There once was a bloke called McCormack
Who could put it in the net at the back,
But never let it be said,
The colour of his hair was red,
Because without the dye it would be black.
11. Luke Varney
We have a striker called Varney,
Who plays in front of the White Army.
His shots, they usually miss,
It’s like he’s been on the p*ss,
Luke Varney you’re driving us Barmy!
Our Jason can tackle with haste,
But his boots now rarely get laced,
Despite his caution and heed,
Jason just doesn’t have speed,
So now Fridays, he can go get sh*tfaced.
He came to Leeds from near Liss,
But Steve Morison I don’t wish to diss,
When you signed I went “wow”,
Headed goals from your brow,
So why do your shots usually miss?
…. This was written just hours before the Palace match! Oops, Double Oops!
We bought our Billy to score,
If he had we’d love him much more.
Sadly our Bill,
Played like a dill,
And couldn’t hit a ***king barndoor!
And finally to our supporters…
The Fans … Leeds! Leeds! Leeds!
Through thicker or thin,
It’s so usually slim.
Never let is be said,
I’d rather be dead,
Than not have Leeds United in my skin!
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