110 Days of Torture in Review: Week 3

Monday 14th May

In a heartfelt statement of thanks towards the supporters, Leigh Bromby spoke of the full trauma of his injury nightmare in Cardiff: “I don’t remember much about it… it’s all a blur. I knew straight away it was something serious” revealed Leigh, before going on to say “I remember Pughy talking to me…then the next thing I remember is being in the dressing room with my mum and dad there” – a close encounter with Danny Pugh is obviously even more disturbing than we thought.

 

It’s going to be a long road to recovery for the defender, although fortunately, as Bromby stated, “I’m in the most capable hands possible and I trust them to give me the very best rehab”. It seems that Bates’ offer to allow Ben Parker to continue using the Thorp Arch facilities will prove to be an inspired move.

Tuesday 15th May

A very chipper Neil Warnock dismisses the promotion credentials of the three sides joining the Championship next season, via the means of the Premier League trap door. Blackburn and Bolton are written off on the grounds that they’ll most likely lose some of their key players, while Wolves’ chances are questioned on the grounds that they’ve appointed a manager who’s such an unknown that even his wife requests his ID card before allowing him into the house.

Admittedly, Stale Solbakken may well sound like niche Scandinavian delicacy, but chances are his squad and financial resources are something that Warnock can only look upon with covetous eyes. The full extent of Bates’ tight grip on the ‘war chest’ padlock key does appear to be hitting home for our manager though, who also expresses a word of caution about the new powerhouse in the division – Charlton Athletic:

“Already I’ve enquired about one particular player and I know that Charlton are willing to pay a fortune for him, wages wise, so they are obviously having a go and will maybe sign two or three on big money”

Welcome to our world, Neil!

Regardless, our man remains unrepentant, continuing:

“But from my point of view, I won’t be worrying about any of them if we get our targets really.”

Okay, so how do we break this to him?…

Wednesday 16th May

Simon Lenighan becomes the second academy prospect to sign a professional contract at the club; he follows Sam Byram who put pen to paper last week. The club ponder whether they should have Neil ‘They’ll do it for me’ Redfearn sit in on all contract negotiations.

After collective sighs of exasperation and mass head scratching, the reason for Ross McCormack’s exclusion from another Scotland squad is revealed as Peter Lorimer confides to the YEP that he bumped into Craig Levein in Perth a few weeks back and badgered him about selecting the 19 goal striker.

It must’ve come as a blow to the one-time Scottish hero that his words carried so little gravitas; one can only assume that the Scotland manager is familiar with Lorimer’s Friday newspaper column and having noted his assertions that Leeds United possessed a squad capable of gaining promotion this season, was persuaded that maybe Lasher is not the most sound judge of talent.

It is also revealed in the YEP that Neil Warnock is set to renew his interest in Clint Hill – Leeds chasing a proven, solid Premier League defenders… oh Neil, when will you learn? 

The big story of the day though was undoubtedly to be found on the timelines of twitter where the fall-out of Andros Townsend’s brief spell at Elland Road continues to rumble on. After an evening of abuse from a section of #TwitterWhites, the Premier Inn partial, cocksure Cockney of the colossal cranium finally snapped, posting the following eloquent riposte:

Right I’ve had enough of bullying inbreds for one day! Ill leave you lot to watch your dvd’s of the glory days and sh*g ur sisters!

It hardly represented the most intelligent and calculated move on his part; his remarks being re-tweeted to all corners of the Earth and being responded to in kind by the LUFC fanbase, almost all of whom were quick to point out the irony of a man with such a gargantuan forehead making such allegations.

Fortunately the lower leagues’ answer to The Littlest Hobo was able to call on his fanbase to counter the abuse, re-tweeting the supportive words of Mitchell Clarke who similarly mocked Leeds for not being a being a big club – one look at his profile page reveals Mitchell to be a Yeovil AND Scum supporter… oh the irony! 

In defence of Andros, it’s imperative that LUFC supporters take a moment to realise his predicament; the pressure to succeed must be almost unbearable for a young guy who comes from such a successful family. 

Thursday 17th May

‘Androsgate’ rumbles on as the holder of football’s most loaded Nectar card takes it upon himself to taunt Whites supporters with his modest career highlights; regaling the hordes with astonishing episodes of brilliance from his times at Millwall and Ipswich.

Eventually, it would appear that someone ‘had a word’ and the original ‘inbreds’ tweet is deleted and a humbling apology posted in its place. We can only hope the reprieve from the idiocy is a temporary one.

Also swiftly withdrawn is a story from the Yorkshire Post, claiming that Leeds are likely to be interested in bringing Michael Owen to Elland Road in a £50k per week deal. The untold damage to that particular journo’s credibility must be almost incalculable. 

Meanwhile the YEP, a day after reporting that QPR will be looking to offload Clint Hill, now reveal that Rangers will look to head off interest in him by offering their defender a new deal – take it from us Neil, don’t waste any more time even trying to kid yourself on this one!

A fortnight after the hysteria that followed the revelation about Adam Clayton’s transfer listing, the footballing world is still obviously struggling to grasp his ‘God-like’ status as Burnley stand alone as the one club to declare a firm interest. Maybe Barcelona and Madrid don’t do their transfer business in May either?

Friday 18th May

“The positive thing about Neil is that he’s got a clear vision for next season. He’s also got a level of enthusiasm which I think potential signings will warm to easily. It’s not to say that players are going to come simply on that basis, but I think it’s a massive advantage to have someone like Neil in place – a proven coach with a track record of winning promotion. That’s what players will be looking for when they weigh up their options”

More prophetic words from Peter Lorimer on the day the club fail to convince another player already at the club to sign a deal. Today it’s Ross McCormack’s turn to get on the gravy train out of Elland Road, destination: Prospectsville. Expect the usual process of blame and aspersions of greed levelled against the player, his agent, ex-directors, the disabled and the Chinese to follow. 

Warnock attempted to sound philosophical, stating:

“That’s the nature of football and it’s their prerogative. It’s a big concern because you want to keep your batter players”

You’re slowly catching on, aren’t you Neil?

Saturday 19th May

The YEP reveal that the club are in danger or missing out on Joel Ward, believed to be one of the two players that Warnock wanted signing by the end of the week (you were warned, Neil). Several sources reveal that the issue is not with Ward who favours a move to Leeds, rather with the club who have been “slow to finance a fee of £400,000”… roll up, roll up! Get your membership applications in NOW!!

Memberships are obviously essential for supporters wanting to secure a seat at next season’s play-off final, but this season, having inexplicably failed to make it to Wembley, Leeds supporters have to content themselves with watching the Hammers triumph; it’s an ‘against all odds’ victory as a club that has held on to its key players and complemented the squad with big money signings has defied all logic to succeed. Puzzled fans are even denied the satisfaction of having Geoff Shreeves on hand to ask David Gold: “Well you may have gone up David, but you do realise that you haven’t got a pavilion?”

West Ham’s victory at Wembley not only denies Blackpool chairman, Karl Oyston, the opportunity to reward himself with another new helicopter, but also necessitates that he immediately starts preparation to deal with next visit of Leeds. Rumours of a military presence at Bloomfield Road draw no comment, though it’s understood that plans to host the game on Christmas Day morning on an oil rig in the Irish Sea have been vetoed by the Football League.

Later, the sixth best side in England, rightfully claim the title of European Champions after surviving 120 minute battering from a Bayern side that incredibly boasted a frontline that would benefit from the addition of Billy Paynter and Mikael Forssell.

After a gripping penalty shoot-out finale that would be enough to give more frail, Chelsea fanatics heart failure, Leeds fans scour news websites and radio stations for any breaking obituaries, emanating from the Monaco region. With no revelations forthcoming, it slowly dawns that Bates’ excitement at Chelsea’s triumph will only be increased ten-fold by the realisation that their new ‘Champions of Europe’ status is all the excuse he needs to make the rumoured pre-season friendly, Category ‘A’.

Expect sickeningly sycophantic programme notes, unfounded claims about his own role in the success story, another pending court case for libelling Ambramovich and a on-pitch guard of honour… roll on August!

Sunday 20th May

Four days have passed and not a single story has been published on the official site that’s directly related to the football side of the club. Hey, not to worry though; if you ever had aspirations of treating your dad on Fathers’ Day with a trip in a hired Porsche (covered by an Enterprise Insurance policy) to Flamingoland followed by an evening meal at the Nicky Chapman Suite then dream no longer; it’s time to fill your boots!

Still no news from Monaco… 

 

 

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