LUTV: New schedule leaked

As part of their ongoing drive to provide the best possible service to the supporters, Leeds United have decided to completely re-think and revamp the whole LUTV viewing experience. The contents of a leaked internal email, detailing the first day’s schedule is provided below*…

 *Not necessarily true

 

LUTV Schedule: Monday 16th January 

7.00am

BREAKFAST WITH BEN: Live from the LUTV studios, Ben Fry presents a mixture of up to the minute news, hard hitting interviews and celebrity gossip. Today’s guests include Lee Sharpe who’ll be discussing his new career, acting opposite Frank Bruno in the Sidcup Apollo’s production of Aladdin, and Kevin Blackwell who’ll be promoting his biography, ‘It Was Just Me and Gary Kelly’.

9.30am

THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW: Hard hitting talk show staged live from Beeston Community Centre, where morons, asylum seekers, the unemployed and single mothers debate the hot issues that dominate their personal lives.  Ken Bates presides over matters via a live video link from the Monaco Premier Inn where he holds the power to castigate any participant by releasing his pet springer spaniel, Jerry, on to them. Today’s guests include a single mother of 8 who’s returning for a third paternity test, a Leeds supporter who puts his credentials to the test as he aims to secure tickets to the disabled enclosure and four members of the Chinese Olympic team.

10.30am

THIS MORNING: Christa Ackroyd and Alan Sheehan host the daily entertainment show, live from Thorp Arch. Today Shaun Derry provides more tips on personal grooming, David Prutton puts five market leading hair conditioners to the test and Ramon Nunez models this season’s must have knitwear.

The manufacturer of ‘Holland’s Pies’ reveals how to produce steak & peppercorn pies with zero meat content, while in the book club, Zac Thompson and Aidy White share their thoughts on ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’.

12.00pm

DICKINSON’S REAL DEAL: Documentary following former United striker, Liam Dickinson: having sufficiently impressed in his trial at the Bernebeau, Liam’s secured an initial 6 month deal to show his worth. But how will he fit in with his colleagues? Today Liam befriends the club’s sweeper as he aims to settle in his new role as a toilet cleaner at the world’s richest club.

 

12.30pm

BARGAIN HUNT: Today we visit the North East where Glynn Williams is running the rule over a 34 year old left back who’s turning out for a Bishop Auckland Select XI against the local Liberal Club.

 

1.00pm

LOOSE WOMEN: Simon Grayson returns to join a panel of Ryan Giggs and John Terry to reveal the secrets of the footballing lothario. Today’s debate: keep it in the workplace or keep it in the family?

 

1.45pm

ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE: Another season ticket renewing Leeds fan comes under the spotlight. Today’s subject is Keith, a road sweeper from Featherstone who reveals his expectations of a multi-million pound spending spree in transfer window, and his visions of Ken Bates’ face in a slice of malt loaf.

 

2.15pm

SHAUN THE SHEEP: United’s CEO provides a tantalising insight into the club’s transfer and wages negotiation policy.

In the interview he reveals that the club lavish upwards of three-fold Accrington Stanley’s collective budget and denies that the summer move for Keith Andrews stalled over the midfielder’s refusal to pay for the name printing on his shirt.

 

2.30pm

SONGS OF PRAISE: The Kop’s charming ditty to former goal scoring machine, Enoch Showumni comes under the microscope. There are interviews with those responsible for the lyrical content and melody, while in an explosive chat, room mate Lubo Michalik corroborates the accuracy of the chant’s content.

 

3.00pm

POINTLESS: Fast moving game show where contestants including Gillingham’s Pat Scally start the contest with 15 points and have 45 minutes in which to reduce the tally to zero through financial mismanagement and flouncing Football League rules.

 

3.40pm

EMBARRASING BODIES: Hard hitting investigations where corrupt, inefficient and morally reprehensible organisations are exposed by our glorious chairman. Following previous attacks on FIFA, the Football League and Leeds City Council, Ken sets his sights on the Scarborough branch of the Independent Leeds United Supporters Club.

 

4.10pm

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION: Ken returns to convince a consortium of investors as to why putting money into a hotel and nightclub in the middle of Beeston represents a far more viable scheme than committing money towards a development in an area where people may actually want to visit.

 

5.00pm

CELEBRITY COME DINE WITH ME: Ainsley Harriott hosts a culinary evening at the award winning Howard’s restaurant. Robbie Savage and Paul Connolly are this evening’s visitors, braced for a two course feast of hot dogs and humble pie.

 

5.30pm

TOP GEAR: Ben Fry reports live from the Elland Road superstore on the essential new lines from the Macron leisurewear range and the pick of the other gifts available in-store and online.

Today’s highlights include a pair of retro replica Enoch Showumni shorts with reinforced gusset stitching, ‘I’m Leeds, and I’ve Followed Through’ baby grows, season ticket savings piggy banks and draft excluders in the shape of a prostrate Luciano Becchio .

6.00pm

BRITAIN’S GOT TALONS: An exclusive six-part documentary that catches up with United legend David Batty as he opts out of the media spotlight to pursue his true passion in life. In today’s episode, an emotional Batts opens up his first kestrel sanctuary, located on the northern tip of the Ribble Valley.

 

7.00pm

CORONATION STREET: New cooking show where households on the same street compete with other to prepare the best coronation chicken dish. Judge Billy Paynter awards marks according to taste and presentation.

 

7.30pm

(NO SHIT) SHERLOCK: Another amusing compilation of Simon Grayson’s post-match observations. In today’s episode we look at the numerous instances of references to not starting the game well enough, poor defending and the midfield lacking quality.

 

8.00pm

STRICTLY COME DANCING: To whet the appetite ahead of the opening of Beeston’s premier nightclub, Jonny Buchan presents a glitzy evening from the LUFC Conference Centre (the biggest facility of its type, between Leeds and Newcastle) with stars, past and present, taking to the floor. Tonight Phil Masinga teaches the world to waltz, Tresor Kandol performs ‘The Robot’, while Andy Couzens attempts to represent the medium of fire in an interpretative piece. In a rare public appearance, Ben Parker provides a stunning finale, having been given the club doctor’s clearance to charm the crowds with the ‘Safety Dance’.

 

9.00pm

FILM PREMIERE – 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE: Biopic of Ben Fry, co-creator of the legendary Yorkshire Radio; the station that’s single-handedly redefined the north of England’s music scene with it’s revolutionary playlist of soft rock, manufactured pop and The Lighthouse Family. The film traces Ben’s meteoric rise from the underground Featherstone drum & bass club scene and provides a glimpse into his plans to make Beeston the clubbing capital of the UK.

 

10.30pm

BIG BROTHER: Fly on the wall reality show following the trials and tribulations of Rod and Ray Wallace as older brother Danny, mercilessly puts them through physical and psychological torture. Broadcast live from a cellar of a back to back in Holbeck.

 

11.00pm

FATHER ED: Despairing of declining moral standards in modern day football, ‘Leeds United Legend’ Eddie Gray turns to religion and establishes a parish in Thorp Arch.

 

In tonight’s episode, the trainees are made to attend a sermon where Father Ed lectures them on what they ‘can’ and ‘cannae’ do as a representative of the club, Glyn Snodin ponders the meaning of existence in a ‘heart to heart’ and Robert Snodgrass in ordered to say 10 ‘Hail Marys’ after using blasphemy in a training match.

 

11.30pm

THE SKY AT NIGHT: A panel of esteemed astronomers are thrilled to witness by chance, a supernova in the belt of Orion, whilst trying to track the destination of a Bradley Johnson free-kick from last season’s clash with Norwich City.

 

11.40pm

BLUE PETER: Highlights from Peter Lorimer’s latest racy one hour stand-up show at Billy’s Bar.

 

12.00am

PEEP SHOW: A ground breaking first for English football; LUTV are proud to announce the inaugural club-affiliated ‘adult’ PPV service. Tonight’s highlights include Last Tango at Palace, Fry Hard and the educational ‘Slow Arousal: The Ken Bates Guide to Sustained Performance’.

4.00am

CLOSE

 

Ben Fry’s image appears courtesy of howsonisnow.com

‘Visit Beeston’ courtesy of thebeatengeneration.co.uk

 

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